Dr. Jordan SampleBoundaries aren't walls
Probably the most overused word in pop psychology. Worth reclaiming what it actually means.
"Boundaries" has become, in the last decade or so, one of those words that's everywhere and barely anywhere. Repeated so often that it stops meaning anything specific. Sometimes when I hear "I'm setting a boundary" in session, I have to gently ask: what do you mean, exactly?
A useful working definition: a boundary is a clear statement about what you will or won't do, not a demand that the other person change. "I'm not available to talk after 9pm" is a boundary. "You can't text me after 9pm" is closer to a request, or sometimes a control attempt dressed as a boundary.
Why the distinction matters
Boundaries that focus on your own behavior are inside your control. If someone keeps texting after 9, you don't have to text back. You can turn your phone off. You can address the pattern in a separate conversation. A request can be respected or not. A "boundary" as control attempt sets up the other person as the only one who can change the outcome — which usually makes everyone more frustrated.
Boundaries aren't walls. They're not punishment. They're not a way to make someone behave differently. They're an answer to a more honest question: given that this person is who they are, what am I willing to do?
About the author
Dr. Jordan Sample
Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist (TX)
Dr. Jordan Sample is a licensed clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience helping adults navigate anxiety, depression, grief, and the relationship patterns that get in the way of the life they want.
Her work draws on the conviction that meaningful change happens at the intersection of warmth and structure: a relationship in which clients feel genuinely seen, paired with concrete tools for moving forward.